Easing back into it and coming clean

Well it's summer, which is usually my favorite time of the year, it's field season!  For so many geologists, it's the time of year where you get paid (or at least don't have to pay) to travel to amazing places under the guise of research.  However, this year, unlike so many others I came into summer with dread and baggage.  This year has been the culmination of a few years of emotionally difficult times.  About 5 year back my Grandmother passed away of diabetes.  About a year later my Father was fighting stage II prostate cancer and I was dealing with the concept that my Dad wasn't invincable.  About a year after his surgery, something was wrong with my Mom's heart.  She was born with what we all thought was a hole in her heart, and throughout her life (and mine) having problems with her heart was not new.  However, this was not the normal problems that could be "cured" with minimally invasive surgery.  So for about a year my Mom went from doctor to doctor until finally they figured out what was wrong with her.  Apparently her heart never formed correctly, and while most people pump blood out of their heart and into their lungs, my Mom's was doing the opposite (or something like that) and to fix this, she would have to have open heart surgery.  Lucky this surgery took place last year (2010) over Christmas Break so I could fly home and be with my family.  After she got out of the hospital she came home and my Dad and I started to help her rehab.  Back to school I flew with some degree of contentment and the beginnings of happiness.  I mean both my parents had their "near brush/scary sickness moments right?  I thought things with my family and therefore myself were turning around.

This was clearly not to be, this past spring (so just a little over a year after my Mom's surgery) my Grandfather passed away.  So the party line I told everyone was, he was 94, he lived a good life, yada yada yada.  Truthfully, it still stings, it still makes me cry.  He was really sick, for a while and while it was hard to watch him the past year or so, I really miss him.  Recently, I just got through watching my first baseball game and didn't cry watching the game, or quickly afterward. It was a monumental achievement.  I basically have accepted that I probably won't watch much baseball this year or ESPN.  Every time I watch a either, I think of him.  Baseball was "our thing."  When I was a little girl he would take me to Phillies games on this bus of senior citizens.  He bought me baseball cards; he told me you always root for the hometown team (unless the hometown team is the Yankees and then you root for the Red Sox). He was in so many ways my hero. A man who loved his family, truly embodied the idea of money not being the key to happiness, he proudly worked for the Port Authority of NYC for years.  During the funeral, my Uncle gave one of the best eulogies I could imagine.  I laughed through the tears and began to realize just what a profound impact my Grandfather had on me.  All these sayings I have, I must have not even realized, came from him.  My spring was rocked.  My MO for dealing with all this was just to throw myself into my work.  Life sucked but at least my research took off (that will be another post).  Anyway, so I limped into summer with the lowest of expectations of what this summer was going to offer.

The past two years no matter how bad the year was, during the summer I went to Kenya for research.  Going to Kenya, for me, was like going on a vacation from life.  I was camping on the shore of Lake Victoria, doing research, meeting amazing people.  I was truly happy out there and everything back in the States, stayed there in a nice compartment for when I returned.  However, last year was my last field season for my dissertation, and I am not going back.  In so many ways, this year I needed to go back the most.  I needed the vacation from life, a means to forget about spring and a chance to start over.  Instead, I was accepted to a stable isotopes in ecology class, that I've wanted to attend for years.  5 years ago I applied and was rejected.  This past year was my first time, since that rejection I've had the time to apply, and I was accepted to the class.  I flew off to this camp surprisingly excited (considering I have been excited about very few things for a few months).  It was AMAZING.  I met so many great people who amazed me with their passion and interest and intelligent.  All the great people reminded me of what I want and why I wanted it.  Two weeks of intense lectures and labs from sun up to sunset!

One of the lectures.  Photo courtesy of SIFER.

I came back to Baylor excited to get back to work on my dissertation.  Some how the culture, the mountains, the "field work" of Utah was able to once again remind me to put one foot in front of the other and try to greet the future with excitement not dread.  And here I am, once again writing.  Once again thinking there might be something good on the horizon that will be worth writing about.

home sweet home

So I am back in NJ for the holidays. The week before Christmas as always was spent sleeping and doing work and spending time with my family. I have to say, it's always bitter sweet coming home, especially since my nephew John was born. He is walking now, and is so adorable. I wish I was around more to experience everything and not see the big changes. Anyway, Christmas brought the tradition of going out to see tacky Christmas lights. My sisters and I have our usual circuit of house.

However, since Christmas I've caught up with a bunch of friends. Some the usual people I see when I come home, and a few people I haven't seen in ages. All of them, I've been super happy and excited to see. Also super exciting is my night with Keely and Sharon! Sharon and I were talking about everything we have to do in the next two years (we both graduate at the same time, her from med school, me from grad school). We made two very important (and yet very tentative) plans. This summer she is moving up to Anchorage, Alaska for a clinical. I am either going to help her drive up there and then fly back to Waco or help her drive home. I am really excited about the possibility of this road trip! Also, we decided we both want to move to Maine after school, and think we may move up there together and get a place! I feel like I've been trying to figure out my next move after school. There are so many places I want to move, and I know I don't want to stay in TX. I was just kinda hoping someone would give me a good excuse to pick one, and I got it! Super excited about Maine with Sharon!

My Grandpa (Charlie) and my dog (Charlie).

One of the houses on the Christmas light tour.

My favorite house on the tour.

Me and my friend Kevin.

Me and Sharon

Me and Keely

for C.N.

for C.N.

your hands are my favorite things

strong

soft

sturdy

you wear your life in your hands

from your first game at the polo grounds

"you always root for the home team"

to the war

we drove over the Sahara at night, chasing Rommel through Africa"

the GI Italian

to the years of lifting trash

you have the most humble hands

that fix chairs

and never lost their way on a steering wheel

you raised me with those hands

when sundays were about fried shredded wheat

and baseball games

lenny dykstra, mike piazza, and the retirees bus to philly

baseball hat in my hand

excited for a day with you

and now that you are sick

now that your hands are worn with age

pale skin and bones

and your body is failing you

oxygen mask and daily nurse visits

i want to take you in my hands

hard

calloused

sad

and hold you

titleless

So I am back on the writing wagon, at least for now. This is my newest, not really finished but thought I would share

i believed in the million words

sweat nothings in your ear

why paint a picture

when you could draw one in your mind

detailed descriptions from the heart

cause

i could be bent like a willow

by kind words and gentle deeds

placing your hand on my back

and telling me how nice i looked

i was open to more

heart lay bear to the dream

the fairytale

i was nimble like a weeping cherry

by the prospect

the idea

of my one love

great feelings for the all american dream

i lost myself in you

and the happiness of gray

not you or me but us

a blend of shades

now i am reborn

spring awaking

under my own strength

cause all these years

i fed myself

found nutrients in my surroundings

pruned and cared and loved

all the parts of me

gnarled and smooth

roots

bark

trunk

crown

leaves

and while you are gone

i have the most beautiful pink flowers

in bloom

the boy and his dog

So I have been seeing this guy for the past couple months. He was a surprise, wasn't at all expecting to meet anyone this cool in Waco, at Baylor. Anyway, yesterday he came over and kept me company as I did work and he did work. He has this dog, Maverick, and I am seriously in love with him. He has these big ears that stick straight up, and he is a puppy with personality for days!

We watched moves, and football, and just did nothing. It was awesome. I often think of how easy it is to date someone when you are doing fun/crazy things like go to the zoo. But it is much harder to have a great relationship when you are doing nothing. Last night was perfect and so much of what I needed. There was lots of laughter and talking and silence in all the right times. I am so happy to go into this week cause of yesterday. I wish I could have more days like that.

L