the one where my advisors knock me back to the ground

So I had a meeting with my two advisors today about what I need to do to graduate.  This was one of those meetings where I hear what I need to do over the next 3-4 months to stay "on track" to graduate.  This is what my notepad looked like by the end of the meeting...

So that's a nice little to do list.  Lauren can you do everything people do in 2 or 3 years over the next 4 months.  Also I was informed due to the number of PhDs the department has accepted this semester, and the fact we (all PhDs) are all getting paid more, there is no way for me to get any additionally funding after the spring.  Great.  So I've sat here and watched people get 5th years of funding with fewer papers done after 4 years, etc etc. I'm not getting funding cause I'm coming around at a shit time.

I don't want to know anyone right now and the idea of having a balanced life is laughable.  I am more than just backed into a corner.  I'm barely staying afloat in life.  I know I've been a party to where I am right now, I just never figured with everything I have done, and the fact that I am well beyond where most graduate students are at this point, that I would be getting a cold shoulder from my department.  I'm not even looking at the option of moving to San Fran at the end of the summer, I have to find a job for the end of the academic year.  Let's compound this, with one of my advisors basically telling me I'll never graduate if I move away and my other advisor convincing me that as much as I want to walk away from academia, I should at least do a post doc.  I'm so screwed.  There was a moment today when I wished I could just get taken care of for the next 4 months.  If someone could just cook my meals, walk my dog, clean my house, do my laundry, also consume the carbs and nutrients I need to stay alive, and sleep for me that would be awesome.

I'm just going to continue to listen to The Cinematic Orchestra's "Breathe" and Miles Davis on repeat.