Plug and Chug or How I Adore Erin

I have this friend, Erin and she is like lemonade...No matter how you feel or what is going on in your life, she makes everything better.  One time, when everything at work was really stressful, she, her husband Gary (who is also rad), our friend Forrest (radness continues), and I went to a baseball game.  We all just needed a break from life and grad school and stress.  Before the end of the game Erin had started dancing (to which of COURSE I joined her and then Forrest and Gary joined in).  We were on the jumbo tron OVER and OVER that night just dancing and going general shenanigans.  The next time we went to the game, the whole stadium was doing our dance for every run scored.  Anyway, it is this carefree attitude and unwillness to NOT be happy that makes her so amazing to have, especially in stressful or sad times.

So in light of my recent post I've been really stressed just trying to get ANYTHING on that list done.  Erin come into work tonight with a juice in her hand (she is really into juicing veggies and has gotten me into it to).  It's green and totally a "plug and chug" variety.  She also sat in my office and just talked about life and listened.  We laughed, like REALLY freaking laughed.  By the time she left, I felt more myself and proceeded work this extra credit assignment with my students, grade everything, finish my letters for paper 1, and outline how paper 2 figure 2 is going to get done.  Pretty much I came back at this whole problem with more vigor and fight.  I am so glad I have her in my life, cause it's nice to just have someone who can remind me that laughter is still the only way I'm getting through this.

xoxo
Lauren

the one where my advisors knock me back to the ground

So I had a meeting with my two advisors today about what I need to do to graduate.  This was one of those meetings where I hear what I need to do over the next 3-4 months to stay "on track" to graduate.  This is what my notepad looked like by the end of the meeting...

So that's a nice little to do list.  Lauren can you do everything people do in 2 or 3 years over the next 4 months.  Also I was informed due to the number of PhDs the department has accepted this semester, and the fact we (all PhDs) are all getting paid more, there is no way for me to get any additionally funding after the spring.  Great.  So I've sat here and watched people get 5th years of funding with fewer papers done after 4 years, etc etc. I'm not getting funding cause I'm coming around at a shit time.

I don't want to know anyone right now and the idea of having a balanced life is laughable.  I am more than just backed into a corner.  I'm barely staying afloat in life.  I know I've been a party to where I am right now, I just never figured with everything I have done, and the fact that I am well beyond where most graduate students are at this point, that I would be getting a cold shoulder from my department.  I'm not even looking at the option of moving to San Fran at the end of the summer, I have to find a job for the end of the academic year.  Let's compound this, with one of my advisors basically telling me I'll never graduate if I move away and my other advisor convincing me that as much as I want to walk away from academia, I should at least do a post doc.  I'm so screwed.  There was a moment today when I wished I could just get taken care of for the next 4 months.  If someone could just cook my meals, walk my dog, clean my house, do my laundry, also consume the carbs and nutrients I need to stay alive, and sleep for me that would be awesome.

I'm just going to continue to listen to The Cinematic Orchestra's "Breathe" and Miles Davis on repeat.

San Fran

I went to San Francisco this past weekend.  It was AMAZING.  I saw a couple of really good friends and began to feel out the city.  I am graduating (hopefully) in a matter of months and I have decided to choose the next place I live, and not move for a job.  I am the type of person who really focuses on the here and now and rarely contemplates what I am missing out on to be in the here and now.  However, recently had this existentialist moment where it dawned on me what I HAD given up all these years for school.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad I am getting my phD but I am not sure I want to continue sacrificing a balanced life for it.  I want to have my weekends be my own, to read books that are not part of research and not feel guilty, and (most importantly) I want to like where I live.  So typical me, I am fighting for this life.  I have started going to the gym, working Monday through Friday, spending time with my dog, reading the books I want to read, and I decided to move to San Fran.

So this weekend I went out to see those friends, but truthfully I also was trying out the city.  Like a first date, I was trying to see if I fit.  I've been to the city before, a bunch of times (my Uncle, his ex-wife and my cousins all grew up out there).  I've been to the touristy places, China Town, Alcatraz, seen the cable cars.  But I've never really just lived out there.  So this time, I walked around, tried the food and examined the architecture. I tried to get a feel for what living in Bay Area would be like (could I live there with my dog?  is there good rock climbing?  music?)  The answer to all of those questions was a resounding YES!  I have to say, I am so excited and nervous about moving and so ready to be out there.  It was 60 all weekend and beautiful.  I walked around this amazing lake/park in Oakland and graded labs.  I people-watched and just smiled.  Friday I went to see a concert and it was one of the best shows I have ever seen.  I realized that for the first time in years (probably since DC) I could see a concert every weekend if I wanted, there are that many good shows who come through the Bay Area.  I saw friends and was reminded of who I really am, not hating my dissertation, hating living in Texas, feeling stifled by both heat and culture Lauren.  I was just me.  My friend Sarah had this house warming party and I met all her fabulous, hilarious friends.  It was one of the best nights of conversation I've had in a really really long time.  Her friends were racing half marathons, and future dentists, and just fascinating.  I saw Matt and Jules and as always they forgive me for my shortcomings and remind me how great my friends are.  I will always love them!  We can literally walk around and do nothing and silliness ensues.  Going out there made so many questions and concerns I had just go away.  I can make friends and be happy and this can be my home!

So now on to the next part, I am back in Texas (back in the 100+ heat everyday) and I need to just keep looking forward and march myself to graduation.  I need to write these papers and graduate so I can finally do the most selfish thing, move and be happy.

Easing back into it and coming clean

Well it's summer, which is usually my favorite time of the year, it's field season!  For so many geologists, it's the time of year where you get paid (or at least don't have to pay) to travel to amazing places under the guise of research.  However, this year, unlike so many others I came into summer with dread and baggage.  This year has been the culmination of a few years of emotionally difficult times.  About 5 year back my Grandmother passed away of diabetes.  About a year later my Father was fighting stage II prostate cancer and I was dealing with the concept that my Dad wasn't invincable.  About a year after his surgery, something was wrong with my Mom's heart.  She was born with what we all thought was a hole in her heart, and throughout her life (and mine) having problems with her heart was not new.  However, this was not the normal problems that could be "cured" with minimally invasive surgery.  So for about a year my Mom went from doctor to doctor until finally they figured out what was wrong with her.  Apparently her heart never formed correctly, and while most people pump blood out of their heart and into their lungs, my Mom's was doing the opposite (or something like that) and to fix this, she would have to have open heart surgery.  Lucky this surgery took place last year (2010) over Christmas Break so I could fly home and be with my family.  After she got out of the hospital she came home and my Dad and I started to help her rehab.  Back to school I flew with some degree of contentment and the beginnings of happiness.  I mean both my parents had their "near brush/scary sickness moments right?  I thought things with my family and therefore myself were turning around.

This was clearly not to be, this past spring (so just a little over a year after my Mom's surgery) my Grandfather passed away.  So the party line I told everyone was, he was 94, he lived a good life, yada yada yada.  Truthfully, it still stings, it still makes me cry.  He was really sick, for a while and while it was hard to watch him the past year or so, I really miss him.  Recently, I just got through watching my first baseball game and didn't cry watching the game, or quickly afterward. It was a monumental achievement.  I basically have accepted that I probably won't watch much baseball this year or ESPN.  Every time I watch a either, I think of him.  Baseball was "our thing."  When I was a little girl he would take me to Phillies games on this bus of senior citizens.  He bought me baseball cards; he told me you always root for the hometown team (unless the hometown team is the Yankees and then you root for the Red Sox). He was in so many ways my hero. A man who loved his family, truly embodied the idea of money not being the key to happiness, he proudly worked for the Port Authority of NYC for years.  During the funeral, my Uncle gave one of the best eulogies I could imagine.  I laughed through the tears and began to realize just what a profound impact my Grandfather had on me.  All these sayings I have, I must have not even realized, came from him.  My spring was rocked.  My MO for dealing with all this was just to throw myself into my work.  Life sucked but at least my research took off (that will be another post).  Anyway, so I limped into summer with the lowest of expectations of what this summer was going to offer.

The past two years no matter how bad the year was, during the summer I went to Kenya for research.  Going to Kenya, for me, was like going on a vacation from life.  I was camping on the shore of Lake Victoria, doing research, meeting amazing people.  I was truly happy out there and everything back in the States, stayed there in a nice compartment for when I returned.  However, last year was my last field season for my dissertation, and I am not going back.  In so many ways, this year I needed to go back the most.  I needed the vacation from life, a means to forget about spring and a chance to start over.  Instead, I was accepted to a stable isotopes in ecology class, that I've wanted to attend for years.  5 years ago I applied and was rejected.  This past year was my first time, since that rejection I've had the time to apply, and I was accepted to the class.  I flew off to this camp surprisingly excited (considering I have been excited about very few things for a few months).  It was AMAZING.  I met so many great people who amazed me with their passion and interest and intelligent.  All the great people reminded me of what I want and why I wanted it.  Two weeks of intense lectures and labs from sun up to sunset!

One of the lectures.  Photo courtesy of SIFER.

I came back to Baylor excited to get back to work on my dissertation.  Some how the culture, the mountains, the "field work" of Utah was able to once again remind me to put one foot in front of the other and try to greet the future with excitement not dread.  And here I am, once again writing.  Once again thinking there might be something good on the horizon that will be worth writing about.

home sweet home

So I am back in NJ for the holidays. The week before Christmas as always was spent sleeping and doing work and spending time with my family. I have to say, it's always bitter sweet coming home, especially since my nephew John was born. He is walking now, and is so adorable. I wish I was around more to experience everything and not see the big changes. Anyway, Christmas brought the tradition of going out to see tacky Christmas lights. My sisters and I have our usual circuit of house.

However, since Christmas I've caught up with a bunch of friends. Some the usual people I see when I come home, and a few people I haven't seen in ages. All of them, I've been super happy and excited to see. Also super exciting is my night with Keely and Sharon! Sharon and I were talking about everything we have to do in the next two years (we both graduate at the same time, her from med school, me from grad school). We made two very important (and yet very tentative) plans. This summer she is moving up to Anchorage, Alaska for a clinical. I am either going to help her drive up there and then fly back to Waco or help her drive home. I am really excited about the possibility of this road trip! Also, we decided we both want to move to Maine after school, and think we may move up there together and get a place! I feel like I've been trying to figure out my next move after school. There are so many places I want to move, and I know I don't want to stay in TX. I was just kinda hoping someone would give me a good excuse to pick one, and I got it! Super excited about Maine with Sharon!

My Grandpa (Charlie) and my dog (Charlie).

One of the houses on the Christmas light tour.

My favorite house on the tour.

Me and my friend Kevin.

Me and Sharon

Me and Keely